Desolate Fear
by Janiqua
Summary: Daniel's POV at the end of Season Nine's Prototype. His thoughts on the Ori and his own suffocating fear.


**Note:** I love Daniel to death. He's my favorite character. But Season Nine has not been kind to him. I can't count the number of times my heart has literally stopped beating these past few weeks, because of everything Daniel's been through, and the season's only half way over! Daniel's had it bad and it's only going to get worse, and I hope to portray that in this little one-shot. Please read it and tell me what you think!

**Warning:** Season Nine spoilers ahead!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Stargate. I'd love to, but I don't.

**oooooo**

**Desolate Fear**

_"I don't think I would say this to anyone else, but for the first time, I'm scared."_

Khalek was gone. That was something at least. But even still, I shouldn't have been the one to kill him. The fact that I did…

His prophecy came true. One of us would kill the other. Mind you, it wasn't exactly a "pleasure." But it was me who killed him, and despite everything he knew and everything he said, I think that surprised him.

But then, there's been a lot of surprises going around lately. And a lot of people have _been_ surprised. Me, most of all. Surprised at myself, most of all. At what I've become.

I'm not who I used to be. When I stand gazing into a mirror, thinking about who I was ten years ago, I don't see that person anymore. I'm not him. Sometimes I think I never even was. Three years ago, the Others kicked me out, and it's like I've become someone else. Especially this year.

At first, I thought it was only directed towards Vala. I took so much anger out on her. Though, she _was_ responsible for my missing the Daedalus, which was what started this whole situation to begin with. No one can deny that. But it can't be changed.

But then there's Bill Lee, that poor man. He really is right, after all. He doesn't get the respect he deserves. He and I've been through a lot together, what with South America two years ago. And it's not like he's incompetent or anything. He's smarter than Felger and less of a pain than McKay. But he doesn't get enough credit, and I've certainly not been courteous enough to him as of late.

And then there's Richard Woolsey. The man I told I couldn't forgive. It's not like I've never refused to forgive someone before. Teal'c would have gotten it real bad if not for the vision Sha're gave me six years ago. My God, has it really been that long?

But Woolsey was an idiot. There was a time when I felt exactly the same way about uncovering the secrets of the universe. There was a time when I _never_ would have killed a man. But Khalek was no better than a Goa'uld, and those parasites I never had a problem with seeing dead. I helped kill Ra after all, and I've helped eliminate his kind ever since. Woolsey wasn't able to see Khalek as the threat he was. And a price was paid for that.

But was his mistake unforgivable?

What kind of man have I become?

Ten years ago I found out about the Stargate. Ten years later, I've seen more of the universe than any other Tau'ri – for lack of a better word – has even dreamt of. I've Ascended twice, and have actually spoken face to face with an Ori. I pissed off Anubis enough for his "son" to want to have the "pleasure" of killing me. So much has happened. I guess you'd have to be real naïve to expect me not to have changed in some way.

But not for the better, I think. Even if the Others would consent to allow me to attempt Ascension again, this time around, I really don't think I'd be worthy of it. There's just too much I'm responsible for. I don't remember the last time I've felt this guilty.

_"Tell others what you have seen today."_

It was a command. Given to me by a Prior of the Ori. As much as I want to fight them, to resist them in every damn way possible, that was one command I was forced to obey.

Standard procedure. Go off world, come back, and file a report on what you saw and did. I had been cornered, trapped, and defeated. I swear, when we returned to Earth from Vala's planet, I wanted to run hard and fast and forget about everything that happened. I never wanted to speak of it to anyone.

But I did. That was exactly what the Prior wanted. I filed the report, I discussed it with Landry, and I was helpless to defy the Ori. It's hard to admit… even to myself… that they frighten me as I have _never_ been frightened before.

And through it all I feel so alone. The rest don't get it. Landry, Mitchell… not even Sam and Teal'c. They don't understand. They _can't_ understand. I don't expect them to.

They know the threat. Hell, Mitchell convinced a Sodan Jaffa warrior that the Ori were bad news far easier than I ever could! They know they're evil.

But I can't forget the Prior from Vala's planet. His face haunts my sleep. I hear his words in my mind every day. _"Tell others what you have seen..."_ And it terrifies me.

What if they can't be defeated? I don't know how many more times I can handle one on one confrontations simply with the _Priors_! How am I ever going to fight the actual Ori themselves? But I can't ask it of anyone else. The Others, the Alterans, are the ones who really should be dealing with the Ori – I mean they've been shielding us from these enemies all this time, so why stop now? But if they do, someone has to step up and take charge. Someone who knows about the Ancients and who understands Ascension. Otherwise, there will just be other Woolseys in command, and if they can't handle someone like Khalek… Earth won't survive.

The weight of the world has been on my shoulders before. But it must be getting heavier. And there's nothing I wouldn't give if I could just… go back.

_"Well, all I can say is whatever problems there are between your planet's nations, they will seem insignificant when you do find out what's going on out there."_

Words of wisdom I spoke to Jonas Quinn a long time ago. Never thought they'd turn around and slap me in the face. Looking back over the years… Our fights against Apophis and the other Goa'uld, and even against the Replicators! They all seem so menial now. Compared to the Ori… I never would have thought that I'd actually want those times and adventures back. Things were simpler then.

_"Sha're saw me writing in my journal and thought the ballpoint I was using was magic. A little device like this pen was such a wonder to her. The simplest thing was a wonder to her."_

Ignorance is bliss. If I had known then everything I know now…

It's useless trying to finish that thought. At the very least I would not have taken so much for granted.

Now I'm in a terrible mess and I don't know how to fix it. A part of me doesn't want to fix it. I've been fighting so hard for so long that it's gotten tiresome, and there's no end in sight. It's just too big. Too difficult. I just want to sleep!

I've never felt Jack's absence more than I have in the past few weeks. Not to mention Oma's. I can't count the number of times I've sat meditating in my room as if _I_ were a Jaffa in Kelnorim, _wishing_ with all my being that Oma would just appear before me and tell me what to do. But she doesn't come. She can't. She has to fight Anubis for all eternity. Because I couldn't stop him. And the Others wouldn't.

I can't put into words how afraid I am. I told Jack I was afraid, and he numbed it for awhile, as he somehow always manages to do. But then he left. And I'm left with Sam and Teal'c. And I hate to say it, but we aren't the team we once were. Teal'c is juggling his time with us with his duty to the Jaffa. And I've seen more of Mitchell in the past few weeks than I have of Sam. Sometimes it's like the three of us are drifting apart.

So I feel alone. Up against the Ori. A race of Ascended Beings with more power than anyone else in the galaxy seems even slightly _capable_ of understanding. And it frightens me.

Fear.

It has turned me into someone else. Some_thing_ else. A man who can't forgive men like Richard Woolsey. A man who could not feel pity for Khalek, though once he could for a similar being named Anna. But then… Khalek felt no remorse. Didn't that count for anything?

Anyway, it's hardly relevant. I am afraid. Like I've never been before. And the stress, and the irritability, and the callousness, all of which come from that fear, is starting to suffocate me. I just want to give up. I want to breathe again and to forget that there ever was such a thing as Ascension.

_"Go back to sleep. Tomorrow you will rise and return to your travels through the Chaapa'ai."_

But I can't forget. I can't run away. It's too late for that. And even if I were allowed to… I wouldn't be able to bring myself to. It's too much a part of who I am. But I've never been so afraid.

_"I don't think I would say this to anyone else, but for the first time, I'm scared."_

_"Tell others what you have seen today."_

_"Hallowed are the Ori."_

_"One of us will have the pleasure of killing the other."_

What was the start of all of this?

I can't remember.

It's been too long.

I've done so much.

It never ends.

It's just so hard…

"_Promise me you will save the child…"_

"_I promise."_

So that was it then. It began with the Harcisis. My journey to Kheb. My encounter with Oma. My Ascension. My confrontation with Anubis. My return to this plane of existence. My desire to travel to Atlantis, so that I could learn even more about the Ancients. Meeting Vala. Inadvertently allowing her to bind me to her with those bracelets. Traveling to the galaxy of the Ori. Revealing to them Earth's existence. Falling victim to the power bestowed upon the Priors. And most recently… confronting Khalek. And who knows what will happen next!

So it's all my fault. I should never have uncovered the secrets of the Stargate. Not on Earth. Not on Abydos. Not anywhere. I brought this down on the entire galaxy. It's impossible to describe how sick such realization makes me. Death by lethal radiation is preferable to what I feel right now.

So what next? I'm obligated to fight. More so than anyone else in the universe. Even more so than the Others, because _they_ certainly didn't lead the Ori here. I did. I'm responsible. And I'm afraid. I try handling the weight of it all… and I find myself faltering. I try to keep moving forward, and I find myself behaving in ways I would have thought appalling years ago. No one recognizes me. I don't even recognize myself anymore. What happened to the innocent, naïve "geek" Jack once saw me as? Am I still Daniel Jackson? Or am I simply terrified? Will I be able to fix this mess that has been six years in the making and that I am responsible for? Or will I be overwhelmed?

The Ori are powerful.

And I'm facing them alone.

It feels that way.

And I am afraid.

**oooooo**


End file.
